Thanks for That

I thought this was a really nice heartfelt message. Regardless of your political persuasion, I think you might appreciate it! It honestly is really beautiful.

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, but love a memory that no one can steal"

Spotlight Sunday--Harold Daniel

We all have those friends that we don't talk to on a daily/weekly basis, but we can pick up with right where we left off every time, right? Well that's my little brother--Mr. Harold Daniel! He is such a loving, kind-hearted person that just makes me laugh so hard my abs get a workout. He pours his life into his friends and into his community, volunteers his time and energy towards helping others, and cracks hilarious jokes along the way.

This kid literally invited himself over to my house so many times I just should have given him a house key. Sometimes that can be frustrating with friends, but with this kid it was always a welcomed surprise. He can pick you up when your down and will say the most outrageous things that you just have to sit there and wonder what just happened. I wouldn't trade my friendship with this kid for anything in the world. He is a devoted friend that I know would have anyone's back at the blink of an eye and he does it so effortlessly. I admire the young man that he is in so many ways. He fills my heart with joy. He is on fire for God, leads bible study, was in hall counsel, has a job, goes to school, and somehow still has time to get his groove on with the Yeehaw! line dancing club in his spare time. How could he be anything more than the wonderful man and friend that he is?! I always feel so loved and valued and treasured when we hang out and that is the essence of a true friend. I love my little brother with all of my heart and I am so beyond blessed by his faithfulness to God and his friendship. I know that he impacts his community as much as he impacts my heart. Here's to you my "token Indian friend" as you love to call yourself! Love you!!!

Support

The outpouring of support that we have been receiving as a community has been so overwhelming. Each day I feel stronger and even more hopeful for the future. This incredible video by Josh Smith did such an amazing job encompassing my beautiful city's spirit of love and hope.
Click Here to Watch Josh Smith's Beautiful Tribute to UCSB

In Memory

Tonight there was a memorial service at Santa Monica Pier to honor the victims of this past weekend's tragic event in Isla Vista, and for hope/prayer for those still injured. Additionally, it was to stand as a Gaucho community in Los Angeles for all of us that couldn't be there in person for all the memorial services in Santa Barbara. It was started by one alumni that said she invited only forty some people and then it just exploded from there. It is so beautiful to see something like that happen. One person does a small act of kindness and it just explodes outward. It was such a lovely event and definitely a very healing experience for me. It has been so tough to be stuck in LA during all of this and being able to be at the memorial was such a wonderful way to be close to my UCSB family and know that I am not alone in this.

We were asked on the facebook event to bring letters if that was a way of therapy for ourselves... so I did. I wrote a letter on the computer so I could print it a few times and was rushing out the door before I had time to even proofread it. I was just hoping that it would be sent to a few people and they might know that the community of UCSB/Isla Vista reaches far and wide.

The young woman that organized the event said a short speech about how much it meant to her and to others to be able to all be there tonight. We had a minute of silence and then she said each victim's name one by one, to which we all replied with a hearty Olé cheer. Then she said that if anyone else wanted to speak, the stage was all their's and that this was the time that we could say whatever we wanted because everyone was here listening. No one said anything though. We all kind of just milled around and started talking with our friends. There was a line to put flower petals into mason jars next to a photo of each victim. It was beautiful and really helped my heart to heal. The whole time I was waiting in the line (which honestly wasn't that long--I was towards the front!), I kept thinking about how I had these letters in my hand. In them, I poured a bit of my soul out. I used some of the stuff from my last blog post and just kept going from there. It was my heart and my soul. I knew that other people in the crowd had to feel the way that I did too. There were people that had to resonate with what I said. I knew that I was being called to say my letter and I just didn't know what to do. I passed through the flower line and then there I was... just standing by the makeshift step/podium. I was all by myself since I didn't come with anyone... so I was just standing there. Should I stay or should I go? I was nervous and shaking and didn't want to speak, but I knew I had to. I asked someone around me how to turn off the music and she kind of looked at me funny. I then said "I want to make a speech". She helped to turn off the music and I stood up on the box and tried to quiet the crowd. Eventually I did. I read my letter. I sobbed in the ugly-cry kind of way for at least the first page and half, but everyone was very welcoming and I just kept going. I finally finished and felt a rush of relief come over me. I finally was able to say to a huge crowd of people exactly what was on my heart. I finally felt free. A few people told me afterwards that my speech was beautiful and thanked me. I meekly smiled back a thanks and then booked it out of the memorial service. I was all alone and didn't want any attention on myself, so I just snuck off into the shadows. But I finally felt free.

In case you wanted to read my letter, here it is:

To My Dear Sibling,

            Words cannot ever express all of the emotions that we are all feeling right now. The family of UCSB stretches far and wide, across state borders and country lines. Anyone who was ever a student, and anyone who has ever had a child that was a student, is heartbroken and devastated with the news of this tragedy. I was a student at UCSB last year and have been back in IV countless times since moving to LA for a one year nursing program. I have plans to move back into the community in just a few short weeks from now. I was there on Thursday; I missed this event by less than 24 hours. Believe me when I say that although I am not in IV with you right now, my spirit and my heart are there in ways that run so deeply that I could never call myself an “out of towner”. You are my family and my blood and I am grieving alongside with you during this tragedy. I have walked those streets a million times. I know each brick; I know each corner. My heart breaks for my city and it breaks for all of the amazing people in it.

            I wish I could have been there this week to give out as many hugs as humanly possible. Most of my friends are still in school and I would have liked nothing more than to hold them back in my arms and tell them how much they mean to me—something I unfortunately have learned the hard way is necessary to do. But even more than that—I wanted to be there to hug you. Yes, you. I wanted to be there for my brothers and sisters and everyone that is impacted by this terrible ordeal. I truly believe that only love can drive out hate and I have witnessed firsthand the incredible capacity that the students at UCSB and the residents of Isla Vista have to love one another. This week has shown that and I hope that you have felt the wave of comfort and community that these strangers that are your family have been pouring out.

            I don’t know your stage of grieving and I do not pretend to. I will never understand exactly how you feel or how this affects you. But I hope to let you know that it is okay to grieve any way that you need to. Some people experience grief so profoundly that it shakes them to the core. It is hard to function, crying constantly seems like the only way to cope, and sadness overcomes them. That is okay. It is so important to let yourself feel all of the feelings that you need to in order to properly grieve your loss. Seeking help from a counselor or a therapist does not make you weak and it doesn’t make you crazy; it makes you human. If you feel like you could benefit from something like that, and many of us can, please don’t hesitate to do so. It doesn’t matter if you knew the victims or if you even felt very connected to the town beforehand, it is okay to feel devastating loss and heartbrokenness. Your feelings are valid.

I also want to mention the friends and people in my life that aren't grieving. Guess what? That's okay too. Some people just do not feel the pain or the devastation that shakes them to the core during this tragedy. It doesn't mean they are callous. It doesn't mean they are uncaring. It doesn't mean that they can't comfort you. It is absolutely okay to feel happy even through this trial we are facing as a community. I hate that some people feel ashamed or like something is wrong with them because they aren't feeling what everyone else is. Some people are in shock and just cannot accept that what happened is an actual reality; it seems to foreign and make believe. Others fully understand the reality of the situation, but just do not feel the tug at their emotional heartstrings in the same way. That is okay. There is no reason to feel guilty for how you do or you do not feel. Grief doesn't have to fit into some perfect mold. Their choice to keep on living their life with a huge smile does not cheapen the sorrow that others are feeling. These people must be recognized and accepted too during this time period. It is okay to feel pain and grief differently than others and it is okay to not feel devastation and sorrow at all. If this isn’t you, it might be someone you know. Keep them in mind too.

I love my hometown. The outpouring of blessings and love and support has been absolutely overwhelming from what I have been hearing and seeing. There is no shortage of hope and connectedness. This is what I am most proud of about my community. It is a community where people love each other so deeply and so well that it affects thousands of people. It is people like you that make the constant effort every single day to make love and goodwill a priority that makes this place one of the most incredible places to live. Keep letting your light shine Isla Vista because you are one heck of a town. I do not know your spiritual beliefs, but my God says "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives" Genesis 50:20 and “He turned the intended curse into a blessing because the Lord your God loves you” Deuteronomy 23:5. While the perpetrator may have intended havoc and chaos, God will use that evil and work it for His good. May IV shine ever the more brightly and may this be a time where many people can truly see the loving face of Jesus Christ. Evilness is not of God; this horrific act was not of God. But God can use everything for His good and His purpose and will redeem the beautiful place I call home. May the love flow forevermore out of IV and may it be known as a place of radical love. I apologize if you hear any radical Christians, or other religious groups, saying otherwise. Please know that God did not intend evil to be done, but that He can make this tragedy into something that is used for good.

            If you do not believe in God, please do not tune that part out. Whether you are a believer or not, the message stands true in the hearts of this community—something that was done that was purely evil will be used to bring hope and life into our beautiful community in ways we could only dream of. I know we have it all in us to not let our beautiful friends die in vain. We will celebrate their lives by continuing to love our neighbors, not just during tragedies, but during all moments in life. We will show kindness to those that appear to be alone. We will smile and hug and laugh and cherish those that we hold dear and never let a day go by without telling at least one person how much they mean to you. We will live purposeful lives that radiate love to everyone we know because we choose to stand in the light and not in the darkness. This town has already been such a beacon of love in the past few years and I know that we will use this tragedy to only strengthen our love for one another and deepen our relationships with our neighbors. You are such an important person in my life and in the lives of all of those around you. Let your light shine for all to see. Keep doing random acts of kindness for one another—leave encouraging notes taped to your seat in Broida Hall, pay for the person’s lunch at Subway, surprise your friends with flowers, cook come cookies for your neighbors, invite that one kid in your CLAS class to your kickback, buy someone a pitcher at Gio’s. Keep living the life that you were always destined to live and keep the light shining so brightly that all the world can see it. We need people like you and our beautiful UCSB/Isla Vista community to show this world what it really means to be someone that loves like it is their mission in life—what it is like to be a Gaucho.

            I am standing with you in prayer, in well-wishes, in spirit, and in sorrow. You are an incredibly important person and you mean so much to me and to this community. Get the help you need emotionally, physically, spiritually, communally, and then fight back with all that you have. We are Gaucho Strong and we will not be shaken. Let’s show this world together what it truly means to be a Gaucho. Let’s leave a legacy of love that casts out all fear and drives out all hate. Let’s change the world one person at a time. Let’s honor our fallen friends with a life that is infectious with love. I stand by you and I partner with you my dear sibling. I love you.

Love Always,

Klocko

Mornings and Mourning

Here I am at midnight writing my blog again. I should have been asleep hours ago, but my brain won't shut down. That's always been a struggle of mine, but it has been kicked into overdrive this week for obvious reasons. The moments where I can sleep in, I wake up early with nightmares and uneasiness. After I finally am able to fall asleep, I am never asleep for too long. So while my mind is reeling, I wanted to make a mini-speech about the discovery I made this week to my overwhelming amount of blog readers ;)  I want to rant a little about mourning.

Mourning is a weird thing. I think anyone who has ever taken Intro to Psychology, or has lived in this planet long enough, could tell you that it is supposed to have all these stages and that everyone goes through the stages a little differently and that that is okay. But is it? Is it really? In our society do we really value the nuances of grieving and really let people do it in their own way--free of judgment? I'm not really so sure about that. I want to make my mini-speech today to let you know that honestly... it is perfectly okay to grieve exactly how you need to.

It's weird for me to have this extreme tragedy happen in my hometown. I have walked those streets a million times. I have been over every inch of that town. I have eaten at those restaurants. I lived my junior year about 500 yards away from one of the fatal shooting areas and spent my senior year 500 yards away in the other direction. That was my bike route to school every morning, and my bike route to friends houses every evening. I was there. Exactly there a million times.

One of the victims was coming back from the improv show--Improvability. That was my entire junior year. Every single Friday. I would walk from my apartment down the street on that very side and go to the show, and come back home down that very street, on that very side and sometimes stop for dinner at the deli where he was shot outside of. Every. Single. Friday. That could have been me. That should have been me. But it wasn't.

I was there just before the shooting too. I was in that spot. I walked those streets. It could have been me again, but it wasn't.

This whole grieving process has put me in such a limbo. I don't live there anymore. I live in LA for school. I don't go to UCSB anymore, I'm a graduate. Even though I plan to move back in a few months, it is not technically my city anymore even though it feels that way in my heart. I've heard a few people say things like "well I mean at least you aren't as affected because you aren't a part of the community anymore" and "well you couldn't really understand fully because you weren't there and you aren't going to be there walking around and going to school like the rest of us". And I for one think that's utter bologna. I can grieve just as hard as anyone else. Home is where your heart is and my heart and my prayers and my friends and my soul have never left Isla Vista for even one minute. I count down the seconds to any chance I get to sneak away back to my home. It is extremely hard grieving when no one around me is. Because of the distance, I can't go to any of the events, feel part of the community, or pour out love into the city that holds my heart. I have to just watch from afar with a tear in my eye and a prayer in my heart. It breaks me to the core. So it may be unconventional grief, but it is deep and painful and just as valid as any other person experiencing it.

I also want to mention the friends and people in my life that aren't grieving. Guess what? That's okay too. Some people just do not feel the pain or the devastation that shakes them to the core during this tragedy. It doesn't mean they are callous. It doesn't mean they are uncaring. It doesn't mean that they can't comfort you. It is absolutely okay to feel happy even through this trial we are facing as a community. I hate that some people feel ashamed or like something is wrong with them because they aren't feeling what everyone else it. Some people are in shock and just cannot accept that what happened is an actual reality; it seems to foreign and make believe. Others fully understand the reality of the situation, but just do not feel the tug at their emotional heartstrings in the same way. That is okay. There is no reason to feel guilty for how you do or you do not feel. Grief doesn't have to fit into some perfect mold. Their choice to keep on living their life with a huge smile does not cheapen the sorrow that others are feeling. These people must be recognized and accepted too during this time period. It is okay to feel pain and grief differently than others and it is okay to not feel devastation and sorrow at all.

I love my hometown. The outpouring of blessings and love and support has been absolutely overwhelming from what I have been hearing and seeing. There is no shortage of hope and connectedness. This is what I am most proud of about my community. It is a community where people love each other so deeply and so well that it affects thousands of people. Keep letting your light shine Isla Vista because you are one heck of a town. "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives" Genesis 50:20. While the perpetrator may have intended havoc and chaos, God will use that evil and work it for His good. May IV shine ever the more brightly and may this be a time where many people can truly see the loving face of Jesus Christ, our true Savior. Evilness is not of God; this horrific act was not of God. But God can use everything for His good and His purpose and will redeem the beautiful place I call home. May the love flow forevermore out of IV and may it be known as a place of Jesus's radical love.

ReVamp

Lent came and went and I no longer had the "need" for my blog. Because of my wisdom teeth surgery and all of the complications that carried on for weeks from that extreme event, I wasn't able to post for a while. Then I had finals... went on a spur of the moment cruise to Mexico because I was given a weekend off... and I never made another post. I promised myself I would stay through until Easter and that was all that needed to be done.

Well here I am, back in swing. I am going to have an insane last 12 weeks of the school and may not get to post everyday. And that's okay with me. But there is no reason I should not still be reflecting on this blog! I decided to take a hiatus from Facebook for many reasons, and this will undoubtedly give me even more time to be able to write on this blog. 

I think I am talked out when it comes to what transpired this weekend at my lovely home of Santa Barbara. If you are not familiar because you live under a rock or have not watched the news all weekend, you can just google it and find all the information that you need about what transpired. It was an absolutely tragic event that I will never forget and my heart is still shattered over it. It gives me all the more reason to restart my blog. This world needs hope and light in it. Even if only one person reads this page, that is important enough to keep on writing because there is no "minimum amount" that can be put as a price tag for spreading love. Love is one of the biggest things I have seen being poured out this week. Of course there is sadness, despair, depression, anger, hurt, and a million other emotions, but love is the strongest. It pours out of our souls and wraps people into its warm embrace. It has been poured out through the interactions between friends, between strangers. It has united a community in mourning and championed people for good. It has taken itself to the streets and shouted out that we will not be shaken. Love is what keeps us going when we are struggling in the darkness. And from what I have seen this weekend, we all have such an inspiring capacity to love each other deeply. So here goes my blog again to inspire me to focus on blessing others and spreading love. Because it is what changes hearts and changes the world. 

All That There Is Today

Man oh man life is crazy. This week has been an emotional rollercoaster with things coming at me from all directions. With a million more things to do for "Hell Week" of school... I have no time to update this or even breathe. But in the midst of all my doubt and insanity, anger and heartache, tears and exhaustion... this song played on my radio and brought me peace--even if only for a moment. I must keep trying to internalize the lyrics and take a deep breath! I will get through everything!

                                "What Life Would Be Like" by Big Daddy Weave

I wish I was more of a man.
Have you ever felt that way?
And if I had to tell you the truth,
I'm afraid I'd have to say
That after all I've done and failed to do
I feel like less than I was meant to be.

And what if I could fix myself?
Maybe then I could get free.
I could try to be somebody else
Who's much better off than me.
But I need to remember this
That its when I'm at my weakest I can clearly see

[CHORUS]
He made the lame walk, and the dumb talk
And He opened blinded eyes to see
That the sun rises on His time,
yet He knows our deepest desperate need.
And the world waits, while His heart aches,
To realize the dream.
I wonder what life would be like if we let Jesus live through you and me....Yeah.

What if you could see yourself
through another pair of eyes?
And what if you could hear the truth,
instead of old familiar lies?
And what if you could feel inside
The power of the Hand that made the universe
You'd realize.....

[CHORUS]
He made the lame walk, and the dumb talk
And He opened blinded eyes to see
That the sun rises on His time,
yet He knows our deepest desperate need.
And the world waits, while His heart aches,
To realize the dream.
I wonder what life would be like if we let Jesus live through you and me....Yeah.

[BRIDGE]
All our hearts they burn within us.
All our lives we've longed for more.
So let us lay our lives before
The One who gave His life for us.

[CHORUS]
He made the lame walk, and the dumb talk
And He opened blinded eyes to see
That the sun rises on His time,
yet He knows our deepest desperate need.
And the world waits, while His heart aches,
To realize the dream.
I wonder what life would be like if we let Jesus live through you and me....Yeah.

Let Him live through you and me...yeah.