Mornings and Mourning

Here I am at midnight writing my blog again. I should have been asleep hours ago, but my brain won't shut down. That's always been a struggle of mine, but it has been kicked into overdrive this week for obvious reasons. The moments where I can sleep in, I wake up early with nightmares and uneasiness. After I finally am able to fall asleep, I am never asleep for too long. So while my mind is reeling, I wanted to make a mini-speech about the discovery I made this week to my overwhelming amount of blog readers ;)  I want to rant a little about mourning.

Mourning is a weird thing. I think anyone who has ever taken Intro to Psychology, or has lived in this planet long enough, could tell you that it is supposed to have all these stages and that everyone goes through the stages a little differently and that that is okay. But is it? Is it really? In our society do we really value the nuances of grieving and really let people do it in their own way--free of judgment? I'm not really so sure about that. I want to make my mini-speech today to let you know that honestly... it is perfectly okay to grieve exactly how you need to.

It's weird for me to have this extreme tragedy happen in my hometown. I have walked those streets a million times. I have been over every inch of that town. I have eaten at those restaurants. I lived my junior year about 500 yards away from one of the fatal shooting areas and spent my senior year 500 yards away in the other direction. That was my bike route to school every morning, and my bike route to friends houses every evening. I was there. Exactly there a million times.

One of the victims was coming back from the improv show--Improvability. That was my entire junior year. Every single Friday. I would walk from my apartment down the street on that very side and go to the show, and come back home down that very street, on that very side and sometimes stop for dinner at the deli where he was shot outside of. Every. Single. Friday. That could have been me. That should have been me. But it wasn't.

I was there just before the shooting too. I was in that spot. I walked those streets. It could have been me again, but it wasn't.

This whole grieving process has put me in such a limbo. I don't live there anymore. I live in LA for school. I don't go to UCSB anymore, I'm a graduate. Even though I plan to move back in a few months, it is not technically my city anymore even though it feels that way in my heart. I've heard a few people say things like "well I mean at least you aren't as affected because you aren't a part of the community anymore" and "well you couldn't really understand fully because you weren't there and you aren't going to be there walking around and going to school like the rest of us". And I for one think that's utter bologna. I can grieve just as hard as anyone else. Home is where your heart is and my heart and my prayers and my friends and my soul have never left Isla Vista for even one minute. I count down the seconds to any chance I get to sneak away back to my home. It is extremely hard grieving when no one around me is. Because of the distance, I can't go to any of the events, feel part of the community, or pour out love into the city that holds my heart. I have to just watch from afar with a tear in my eye and a prayer in my heart. It breaks me to the core. So it may be unconventional grief, but it is deep and painful and just as valid as any other person experiencing it.

I also want to mention the friends and people in my life that aren't grieving. Guess what? That's okay too. Some people just do not feel the pain or the devastation that shakes them to the core during this tragedy. It doesn't mean they are callous. It doesn't mean they are uncaring. It doesn't mean that they can't comfort you. It is absolutely okay to feel happy even through this trial we are facing as a community. I hate that some people feel ashamed or like something is wrong with them because they aren't feeling what everyone else it. Some people are in shock and just cannot accept that what happened is an actual reality; it seems to foreign and make believe. Others fully understand the reality of the situation, but just do not feel the tug at their emotional heartstrings in the same way. That is okay. There is no reason to feel guilty for how you do or you do not feel. Grief doesn't have to fit into some perfect mold. Their choice to keep on living their life with a huge smile does not cheapen the sorrow that others are feeling. These people must be recognized and accepted too during this time period. It is okay to feel pain and grief differently than others and it is okay to not feel devastation and sorrow at all.

I love my hometown. The outpouring of blessings and love and support has been absolutely overwhelming from what I have been hearing and seeing. There is no shortage of hope and connectedness. This is what I am most proud of about my community. It is a community where people love each other so deeply and so well that it affects thousands of people. Keep letting your light shine Isla Vista because you are one heck of a town. "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives" Genesis 50:20. While the perpetrator may have intended havoc and chaos, God will use that evil and work it for His good. May IV shine ever the more brightly and may this be a time where many people can truly see the loving face of Jesus Christ, our true Savior. Evilness is not of God; this horrific act was not of God. But God can use everything for His good and His purpose and will redeem the beautiful place I call home. May the love flow forevermore out of IV and may it be known as a place of Jesus's radical love.