We were asked on the facebook event to bring letters if that was a way of therapy for ourselves... so I did. I wrote a letter on the computer so I could print it a few times and was rushing out the door before I had time to even proofread it. I was just hoping that it would be sent to a few people and they might know that the community of UCSB/Isla Vista reaches far and wide.
The young woman that organized the event said a short speech about how much it meant to her and to others to be able to all be there tonight. We had a minute of silence and then she said each victim's name one by one, to which we all replied with a hearty Olé cheer. Then she said that if anyone else wanted to speak, the stage was all their's and that this was the time that we could say whatever we wanted because everyone was here listening. No one said anything though. We all kind of just milled around and started talking with our friends. There was a line to put flower petals into mason jars next to a photo of each victim. It was beautiful and really helped my heart to heal. The whole time I was waiting in the line (which honestly wasn't that long--I was towards the front!), I kept thinking about how I had these letters in my hand. In them, I poured a bit of my soul out. I used some of the stuff from my last blog post and just kept going from there. It was my heart and my soul. I knew that other people in the crowd had to feel the way that I did too. There were people that had to resonate with what I said. I knew that I was being called to say my letter and I just didn't know what to do. I passed through the flower line and then there I was... just standing by the makeshift step/podium. I was all by myself since I didn't come with anyone... so I was just standing there. Should I stay or should I go? I was nervous and shaking and didn't want to speak, but I knew I had to. I asked someone around me how to turn off the music and she kind of looked at me funny. I then said "I want to make a speech". She helped to turn off the music and I stood up on the box and tried to quiet the crowd. Eventually I did. I read my letter. I sobbed in the ugly-cry kind of way for at least the first page and half, but everyone was very welcoming and I just kept going. I finally finished and felt a rush of relief come over me. I finally was able to say to a huge crowd of people exactly what was on my heart. I finally felt free. A few people told me afterwards that my speech was beautiful and thanked me. I meekly smiled back a thanks and then booked it out of the memorial service. I was all alone and didn't want any attention on myself, so I just snuck off into the shadows. But I finally felt free.
In case you wanted to read my letter, here it is:
To My Dear Sibling,
Words
cannot ever express all of the emotions that we are all feeling right now. The
family of UCSB stretches far and wide, across state borders and country lines.
Anyone who was ever a student, and anyone who has ever had a child that was a
student, is heartbroken and devastated with the news of this tragedy. I was a
student at UCSB last year and have been back in IV countless times since moving
to LA for a one year nursing program. I have plans to move back into the
community in just a few short weeks from now. I was there on Thursday; I missed
this event by less than 24 hours. Believe me when I say that although I am not
in IV with you right now, my spirit and my heart are there in ways that run so
deeply that I could never call myself an “out of towner”. You are my family and
my blood and I am grieving alongside with you during this tragedy. I have
walked those streets a million times. I know each brick; I know each corner. My
heart breaks for my city and it breaks for all of the amazing people in it.
I
wish I could have been there this week to give out as many hugs as humanly
possible. Most of my friends are still in school and I would have liked nothing
more than to hold them back in my arms and tell them how much they mean to me—something
I unfortunately have learned the hard way is necessary to do. But even more
than that—I wanted to be there to hug you. Yes, you. I wanted to be there for
my brothers and sisters and everyone that is impacted by this terrible ordeal.
I truly believe that only love can drive out hate and I have witnessed
firsthand the incredible capacity that the students at UCSB and the residents
of Isla Vista have to love one another. This week has shown that and I hope
that you have felt the wave of comfort and community that these strangers that
are your family have been pouring out.
I don’t
know your stage of grieving and I do not pretend to. I will never understand
exactly how you feel or how this affects you. But I hope to let you know that
it is okay to grieve any way that you need to. Some people experience grief so
profoundly that it shakes them to the core. It is hard to function, crying
constantly seems like the only way to cope, and sadness overcomes them. That is
okay. It is so important to let yourself feel all of the feelings that you need
to in order to properly grieve your loss. Seeking help from a counselor or a
therapist does not make you weak and it doesn’t make you crazy; it makes you
human. If you feel like you could benefit from something like that, and many of
us can, please don’t hesitate to do so. It doesn’t matter if you knew the
victims or if you even felt very connected to the town beforehand, it is okay
to feel devastating loss and heartbrokenness. Your feelings are valid.
I also want to
mention the friends and people in my life that aren't grieving. Guess what? That's
okay too. Some people just do not feel the pain or the
devastation that shakes them to the core during this tragedy. It doesn't mean
they are callous. It doesn't mean they are uncaring. It doesn't mean that they
can't comfort you. It is absolutely okay to feel happy even through this trial
we are facing as a community. I hate that some people feel ashamed or like
something is wrong with them because they aren't feeling what everyone else is.
Some people are in shock and just cannot accept that what happened is an actual
reality; it seems to foreign and make believe. Others fully understand the
reality of the situation, but just do not feel the tug at their emotional
heartstrings in the same way. That is okay. There is no reason to feel guilty for
how you do or you do not feel. Grief doesn't have to fit into some perfect
mold. Their choice to keep on living their life with a huge smile does not
cheapen the sorrow that others are feeling. These people must be recognized and
accepted too during this time period. It is okay to feel pain and grief
differently than others and it is okay to not feel devastation and sorrow at
all. If this isn’t you, it might be someone you know. Keep them in mind
too.
I love
my hometown. The outpouring of blessings and love and support has been
absolutely overwhelming from what I have been hearing and seeing. There is no
shortage of hope and connectedness. This is what I am most proud of about my
community. It is a community where people love each other so deeply and so well
that it affects thousands of people. It is people like you that make the
constant effort every single day to make love and goodwill a priority that
makes this place one of the most incredible places to live. Keep letting your
light shine Isla Vista because you are one heck of a town. I do not know your
spiritual beliefs, but my God says "You intended to harm me, but God
intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many
lives" Genesis 50:20 and “He turned the intended curse into a blessing
because the Lord your God loves you” Deuteronomy 23:5. While the perpetrator
may have intended havoc and chaos, God will use that evil and work it for His
good. May IV shine ever the more brightly and may this be a time where many
people can truly see the loving face of Jesus Christ. Evilness is not of God;
this horrific act was not of God. But God can use everything for His good and
His purpose and will redeem the beautiful place I call home. May the love flow
forevermore out of IV and may it be known as a place of radical love. I
apologize if you hear any radical Christians, or other religious groups, saying otherwise. Please know that
God did not intend evil to be done, but that He can make this tragedy into
something that is used for good.
If you do not believe in God, please do not tune that
part out. Whether you are a believer or not, the message stands true in the
hearts of this community—something that was done that was purely evil will be
used to bring hope and life into our beautiful community in ways we could only
dream of. I know we have it all in us to not let our beautiful friends die in
vain. We will celebrate their lives by continuing to love our neighbors, not
just during tragedies, but during all moments in life. We will show kindness to
those that appear to be alone. We will smile and hug and laugh and cherish
those that we hold dear and never let a day go by without telling at least one
person how much they mean to you. We will live purposeful lives that radiate
love to everyone we know because we choose to stand in the light and not in the
darkness. This town has already been such a beacon of love in the past few
years and I know that we will use this tragedy to only strengthen our love for
one another and deepen our relationships with our neighbors. You are such an
important person in my life and in the lives of all of those around you. Let
your light shine for all to see. Keep doing random acts of kindness for one
another—leave encouraging notes taped to your seat in Broida Hall, pay for the
person’s lunch at Subway, surprise your friends with flowers, cook come cookies
for your neighbors, invite that one kid in your CLAS class to your kickback,
buy someone a pitcher at Gio’s. Keep living the life that you were always
destined to live and keep the light shining so brightly that all the world can
see it. We need people like you and our beautiful UCSB/Isla Vista community to
show this world what it really means to be someone that loves like it is their
mission in life—what it is like to be a Gaucho.
I am standing with you in prayer, in well-wishes, in
spirit, and in sorrow. You are an incredibly important person and you mean so
much to me and to this community. Get the help you need emotionally,
physically, spiritually, communally, and then fight back with all that you
have. We are Gaucho Strong and we will
not be shaken. Let’s show this world together what it truly means to be a
Gaucho. Let’s leave a legacy of love that casts out all fear and drives out all
hate. Let’s change the world one person at a time. Let’s honor our fallen
friends with a life that is infectious with love. I stand by you and I partner
with you my dear sibling. I love you.
Love Always,
Klocko
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