Thanks for That

I thought this was a really nice heartfelt message. Regardless of your political persuasion, I think you might appreciate it! It honestly is really beautiful.

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, but love a memory that no one can steal"

Spotlight Sunday--Harold Daniel

We all have those friends that we don't talk to on a daily/weekly basis, but we can pick up with right where we left off every time, right? Well that's my little brother--Mr. Harold Daniel! He is such a loving, kind-hearted person that just makes me laugh so hard my abs get a workout. He pours his life into his friends and into his community, volunteers his time and energy towards helping others, and cracks hilarious jokes along the way.

This kid literally invited himself over to my house so many times I just should have given him a house key. Sometimes that can be frustrating with friends, but with this kid it was always a welcomed surprise. He can pick you up when your down and will say the most outrageous things that you just have to sit there and wonder what just happened. I wouldn't trade my friendship with this kid for anything in the world. He is a devoted friend that I know would have anyone's back at the blink of an eye and he does it so effortlessly. I admire the young man that he is in so many ways. He fills my heart with joy. He is on fire for God, leads bible study, was in hall counsel, has a job, goes to school, and somehow still has time to get his groove on with the Yeehaw! line dancing club in his spare time. How could he be anything more than the wonderful man and friend that he is?! I always feel so loved and valued and treasured when we hang out and that is the essence of a true friend. I love my little brother with all of my heart and I am so beyond blessed by his faithfulness to God and his friendship. I know that he impacts his community as much as he impacts my heart. Here's to you my "token Indian friend" as you love to call yourself! Love you!!!

Support

The outpouring of support that we have been receiving as a community has been so overwhelming. Each day I feel stronger and even more hopeful for the future. This incredible video by Josh Smith did such an amazing job encompassing my beautiful city's spirit of love and hope.
Click Here to Watch Josh Smith's Beautiful Tribute to UCSB

In Memory

Tonight there was a memorial service at Santa Monica Pier to honor the victims of this past weekend's tragic event in Isla Vista, and for hope/prayer for those still injured. Additionally, it was to stand as a Gaucho community in Los Angeles for all of us that couldn't be there in person for all the memorial services in Santa Barbara. It was started by one alumni that said she invited only forty some people and then it just exploded from there. It is so beautiful to see something like that happen. One person does a small act of kindness and it just explodes outward. It was such a lovely event and definitely a very healing experience for me. It has been so tough to be stuck in LA during all of this and being able to be at the memorial was such a wonderful way to be close to my UCSB family and know that I am not alone in this.

We were asked on the facebook event to bring letters if that was a way of therapy for ourselves... so I did. I wrote a letter on the computer so I could print it a few times and was rushing out the door before I had time to even proofread it. I was just hoping that it would be sent to a few people and they might know that the community of UCSB/Isla Vista reaches far and wide.

The young woman that organized the event said a short speech about how much it meant to her and to others to be able to all be there tonight. We had a minute of silence and then she said each victim's name one by one, to which we all replied with a hearty Olé cheer. Then she said that if anyone else wanted to speak, the stage was all their's and that this was the time that we could say whatever we wanted because everyone was here listening. No one said anything though. We all kind of just milled around and started talking with our friends. There was a line to put flower petals into mason jars next to a photo of each victim. It was beautiful and really helped my heart to heal. The whole time I was waiting in the line (which honestly wasn't that long--I was towards the front!), I kept thinking about how I had these letters in my hand. In them, I poured a bit of my soul out. I used some of the stuff from my last blog post and just kept going from there. It was my heart and my soul. I knew that other people in the crowd had to feel the way that I did too. There were people that had to resonate with what I said. I knew that I was being called to say my letter and I just didn't know what to do. I passed through the flower line and then there I was... just standing by the makeshift step/podium. I was all by myself since I didn't come with anyone... so I was just standing there. Should I stay or should I go? I was nervous and shaking and didn't want to speak, but I knew I had to. I asked someone around me how to turn off the music and she kind of looked at me funny. I then said "I want to make a speech". She helped to turn off the music and I stood up on the box and tried to quiet the crowd. Eventually I did. I read my letter. I sobbed in the ugly-cry kind of way for at least the first page and half, but everyone was very welcoming and I just kept going. I finally finished and felt a rush of relief come over me. I finally was able to say to a huge crowd of people exactly what was on my heart. I finally felt free. A few people told me afterwards that my speech was beautiful and thanked me. I meekly smiled back a thanks and then booked it out of the memorial service. I was all alone and didn't want any attention on myself, so I just snuck off into the shadows. But I finally felt free.

In case you wanted to read my letter, here it is:

To My Dear Sibling,

            Words cannot ever express all of the emotions that we are all feeling right now. The family of UCSB stretches far and wide, across state borders and country lines. Anyone who was ever a student, and anyone who has ever had a child that was a student, is heartbroken and devastated with the news of this tragedy. I was a student at UCSB last year and have been back in IV countless times since moving to LA for a one year nursing program. I have plans to move back into the community in just a few short weeks from now. I was there on Thursday; I missed this event by less than 24 hours. Believe me when I say that although I am not in IV with you right now, my spirit and my heart are there in ways that run so deeply that I could never call myself an “out of towner”. You are my family and my blood and I am grieving alongside with you during this tragedy. I have walked those streets a million times. I know each brick; I know each corner. My heart breaks for my city and it breaks for all of the amazing people in it.

            I wish I could have been there this week to give out as many hugs as humanly possible. Most of my friends are still in school and I would have liked nothing more than to hold them back in my arms and tell them how much they mean to me—something I unfortunately have learned the hard way is necessary to do. But even more than that—I wanted to be there to hug you. Yes, you. I wanted to be there for my brothers and sisters and everyone that is impacted by this terrible ordeal. I truly believe that only love can drive out hate and I have witnessed firsthand the incredible capacity that the students at UCSB and the residents of Isla Vista have to love one another. This week has shown that and I hope that you have felt the wave of comfort and community that these strangers that are your family have been pouring out.

            I don’t know your stage of grieving and I do not pretend to. I will never understand exactly how you feel or how this affects you. But I hope to let you know that it is okay to grieve any way that you need to. Some people experience grief so profoundly that it shakes them to the core. It is hard to function, crying constantly seems like the only way to cope, and sadness overcomes them. That is okay. It is so important to let yourself feel all of the feelings that you need to in order to properly grieve your loss. Seeking help from a counselor or a therapist does not make you weak and it doesn’t make you crazy; it makes you human. If you feel like you could benefit from something like that, and many of us can, please don’t hesitate to do so. It doesn’t matter if you knew the victims or if you even felt very connected to the town beforehand, it is okay to feel devastating loss and heartbrokenness. Your feelings are valid.

I also want to mention the friends and people in my life that aren't grieving. Guess what? That's okay too. Some people just do not feel the pain or the devastation that shakes them to the core during this tragedy. It doesn't mean they are callous. It doesn't mean they are uncaring. It doesn't mean that they can't comfort you. It is absolutely okay to feel happy even through this trial we are facing as a community. I hate that some people feel ashamed or like something is wrong with them because they aren't feeling what everyone else is. Some people are in shock and just cannot accept that what happened is an actual reality; it seems to foreign and make believe. Others fully understand the reality of the situation, but just do not feel the tug at their emotional heartstrings in the same way. That is okay. There is no reason to feel guilty for how you do or you do not feel. Grief doesn't have to fit into some perfect mold. Their choice to keep on living their life with a huge smile does not cheapen the sorrow that others are feeling. These people must be recognized and accepted too during this time period. It is okay to feel pain and grief differently than others and it is okay to not feel devastation and sorrow at all. If this isn’t you, it might be someone you know. Keep them in mind too.

I love my hometown. The outpouring of blessings and love and support has been absolutely overwhelming from what I have been hearing and seeing. There is no shortage of hope and connectedness. This is what I am most proud of about my community. It is a community where people love each other so deeply and so well that it affects thousands of people. It is people like you that make the constant effort every single day to make love and goodwill a priority that makes this place one of the most incredible places to live. Keep letting your light shine Isla Vista because you are one heck of a town. I do not know your spiritual beliefs, but my God says "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives" Genesis 50:20 and “He turned the intended curse into a blessing because the Lord your God loves you” Deuteronomy 23:5. While the perpetrator may have intended havoc and chaos, God will use that evil and work it for His good. May IV shine ever the more brightly and may this be a time where many people can truly see the loving face of Jesus Christ. Evilness is not of God; this horrific act was not of God. But God can use everything for His good and His purpose and will redeem the beautiful place I call home. May the love flow forevermore out of IV and may it be known as a place of radical love. I apologize if you hear any radical Christians, or other religious groups, saying otherwise. Please know that God did not intend evil to be done, but that He can make this tragedy into something that is used for good.

            If you do not believe in God, please do not tune that part out. Whether you are a believer or not, the message stands true in the hearts of this community—something that was done that was purely evil will be used to bring hope and life into our beautiful community in ways we could only dream of. I know we have it all in us to not let our beautiful friends die in vain. We will celebrate their lives by continuing to love our neighbors, not just during tragedies, but during all moments in life. We will show kindness to those that appear to be alone. We will smile and hug and laugh and cherish those that we hold dear and never let a day go by without telling at least one person how much they mean to you. We will live purposeful lives that radiate love to everyone we know because we choose to stand in the light and not in the darkness. This town has already been such a beacon of love in the past few years and I know that we will use this tragedy to only strengthen our love for one another and deepen our relationships with our neighbors. You are such an important person in my life and in the lives of all of those around you. Let your light shine for all to see. Keep doing random acts of kindness for one another—leave encouraging notes taped to your seat in Broida Hall, pay for the person’s lunch at Subway, surprise your friends with flowers, cook come cookies for your neighbors, invite that one kid in your CLAS class to your kickback, buy someone a pitcher at Gio’s. Keep living the life that you were always destined to live and keep the light shining so brightly that all the world can see it. We need people like you and our beautiful UCSB/Isla Vista community to show this world what it really means to be someone that loves like it is their mission in life—what it is like to be a Gaucho.

            I am standing with you in prayer, in well-wishes, in spirit, and in sorrow. You are an incredibly important person and you mean so much to me and to this community. Get the help you need emotionally, physically, spiritually, communally, and then fight back with all that you have. We are Gaucho Strong and we will not be shaken. Let’s show this world together what it truly means to be a Gaucho. Let’s leave a legacy of love that casts out all fear and drives out all hate. Let’s change the world one person at a time. Let’s honor our fallen friends with a life that is infectious with love. I stand by you and I partner with you my dear sibling. I love you.

Love Always,

Klocko

Mornings and Mourning

Here I am at midnight writing my blog again. I should have been asleep hours ago, but my brain won't shut down. That's always been a struggle of mine, but it has been kicked into overdrive this week for obvious reasons. The moments where I can sleep in, I wake up early with nightmares and uneasiness. After I finally am able to fall asleep, I am never asleep for too long. So while my mind is reeling, I wanted to make a mini-speech about the discovery I made this week to my overwhelming amount of blog readers ;)  I want to rant a little about mourning.

Mourning is a weird thing. I think anyone who has ever taken Intro to Psychology, or has lived in this planet long enough, could tell you that it is supposed to have all these stages and that everyone goes through the stages a little differently and that that is okay. But is it? Is it really? In our society do we really value the nuances of grieving and really let people do it in their own way--free of judgment? I'm not really so sure about that. I want to make my mini-speech today to let you know that honestly... it is perfectly okay to grieve exactly how you need to.

It's weird for me to have this extreme tragedy happen in my hometown. I have walked those streets a million times. I have been over every inch of that town. I have eaten at those restaurants. I lived my junior year about 500 yards away from one of the fatal shooting areas and spent my senior year 500 yards away in the other direction. That was my bike route to school every morning, and my bike route to friends houses every evening. I was there. Exactly there a million times.

One of the victims was coming back from the improv show--Improvability. That was my entire junior year. Every single Friday. I would walk from my apartment down the street on that very side and go to the show, and come back home down that very street, on that very side and sometimes stop for dinner at the deli where he was shot outside of. Every. Single. Friday. That could have been me. That should have been me. But it wasn't.

I was there just before the shooting too. I was in that spot. I walked those streets. It could have been me again, but it wasn't.

This whole grieving process has put me in such a limbo. I don't live there anymore. I live in LA for school. I don't go to UCSB anymore, I'm a graduate. Even though I plan to move back in a few months, it is not technically my city anymore even though it feels that way in my heart. I've heard a few people say things like "well I mean at least you aren't as affected because you aren't a part of the community anymore" and "well you couldn't really understand fully because you weren't there and you aren't going to be there walking around and going to school like the rest of us". And I for one think that's utter bologna. I can grieve just as hard as anyone else. Home is where your heart is and my heart and my prayers and my friends and my soul have never left Isla Vista for even one minute. I count down the seconds to any chance I get to sneak away back to my home. It is extremely hard grieving when no one around me is. Because of the distance, I can't go to any of the events, feel part of the community, or pour out love into the city that holds my heart. I have to just watch from afar with a tear in my eye and a prayer in my heart. It breaks me to the core. So it may be unconventional grief, but it is deep and painful and just as valid as any other person experiencing it.

I also want to mention the friends and people in my life that aren't grieving. Guess what? That's okay too. Some people just do not feel the pain or the devastation that shakes them to the core during this tragedy. It doesn't mean they are callous. It doesn't mean they are uncaring. It doesn't mean that they can't comfort you. It is absolutely okay to feel happy even through this trial we are facing as a community. I hate that some people feel ashamed or like something is wrong with them because they aren't feeling what everyone else it. Some people are in shock and just cannot accept that what happened is an actual reality; it seems to foreign and make believe. Others fully understand the reality of the situation, but just do not feel the tug at their emotional heartstrings in the same way. That is okay. There is no reason to feel guilty for how you do or you do not feel. Grief doesn't have to fit into some perfect mold. Their choice to keep on living their life with a huge smile does not cheapen the sorrow that others are feeling. These people must be recognized and accepted too during this time period. It is okay to feel pain and grief differently than others and it is okay to not feel devastation and sorrow at all.

I love my hometown. The outpouring of blessings and love and support has been absolutely overwhelming from what I have been hearing and seeing. There is no shortage of hope and connectedness. This is what I am most proud of about my community. It is a community where people love each other so deeply and so well that it affects thousands of people. Keep letting your light shine Isla Vista because you are one heck of a town. "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives" Genesis 50:20. While the perpetrator may have intended havoc and chaos, God will use that evil and work it for His good. May IV shine ever the more brightly and may this be a time where many people can truly see the loving face of Jesus Christ, our true Savior. Evilness is not of God; this horrific act was not of God. But God can use everything for His good and His purpose and will redeem the beautiful place I call home. May the love flow forevermore out of IV and may it be known as a place of Jesus's radical love.

ReVamp

Lent came and went and I no longer had the "need" for my blog. Because of my wisdom teeth surgery and all of the complications that carried on for weeks from that extreme event, I wasn't able to post for a while. Then I had finals... went on a spur of the moment cruise to Mexico because I was given a weekend off... and I never made another post. I promised myself I would stay through until Easter and that was all that needed to be done.

Well here I am, back in swing. I am going to have an insane last 12 weeks of the school and may not get to post everyday. And that's okay with me. But there is no reason I should not still be reflecting on this blog! I decided to take a hiatus from Facebook for many reasons, and this will undoubtedly give me even more time to be able to write on this blog. 

I think I am talked out when it comes to what transpired this weekend at my lovely home of Santa Barbara. If you are not familiar because you live under a rock or have not watched the news all weekend, you can just google it and find all the information that you need about what transpired. It was an absolutely tragic event that I will never forget and my heart is still shattered over it. It gives me all the more reason to restart my blog. This world needs hope and light in it. Even if only one person reads this page, that is important enough to keep on writing because there is no "minimum amount" that can be put as a price tag for spreading love. Love is one of the biggest things I have seen being poured out this week. Of course there is sadness, despair, depression, anger, hurt, and a million other emotions, but love is the strongest. It pours out of our souls and wraps people into its warm embrace. It has been poured out through the interactions between friends, between strangers. It has united a community in mourning and championed people for good. It has taken itself to the streets and shouted out that we will not be shaken. Love is what keeps us going when we are struggling in the darkness. And from what I have seen this weekend, we all have such an inspiring capacity to love each other deeply. So here goes my blog again to inspire me to focus on blessing others and spreading love. Because it is what changes hearts and changes the world. 

All That There Is Today

Man oh man life is crazy. This week has been an emotional rollercoaster with things coming at me from all directions. With a million more things to do for "Hell Week" of school... I have no time to update this or even breathe. But in the midst of all my doubt and insanity, anger and heartache, tears and exhaustion... this song played on my radio and brought me peace--even if only for a moment. I must keep trying to internalize the lyrics and take a deep breath! I will get through everything!

                                "What Life Would Be Like" by Big Daddy Weave

I wish I was more of a man.
Have you ever felt that way?
And if I had to tell you the truth,
I'm afraid I'd have to say
That after all I've done and failed to do
I feel like less than I was meant to be.

And what if I could fix myself?
Maybe then I could get free.
I could try to be somebody else
Who's much better off than me.
But I need to remember this
That its when I'm at my weakest I can clearly see

[CHORUS]
He made the lame walk, and the dumb talk
And He opened blinded eyes to see
That the sun rises on His time,
yet He knows our deepest desperate need.
And the world waits, while His heart aches,
To realize the dream.
I wonder what life would be like if we let Jesus live through you and me....Yeah.

What if you could see yourself
through another pair of eyes?
And what if you could hear the truth,
instead of old familiar lies?
And what if you could feel inside
The power of the Hand that made the universe
You'd realize.....

[CHORUS]
He made the lame walk, and the dumb talk
And He opened blinded eyes to see
That the sun rises on His time,
yet He knows our deepest desperate need.
And the world waits, while His heart aches,
To realize the dream.
I wonder what life would be like if we let Jesus live through you and me....Yeah.

[BRIDGE]
All our hearts they burn within us.
All our lives we've longed for more.
So let us lay our lives before
The One who gave His life for us.

[CHORUS]
He made the lame walk, and the dumb talk
And He opened blinded eyes to see
That the sun rises on His time,
yet He knows our deepest desperate need.
And the world waits, while His heart aches,
To realize the dream.
I wonder what life would be like if we let Jesus live through you and me....Yeah.

Let Him live through you and me...yeah.

Is It Thursday Already?

Man this week has just flown by! Who would have guessed it! I can't believe it's already Thursday! Well I might miss writing Saturday, Sunday, or Monday night (we'll see!) because I should be up in Mammoth with my dad and brother! It was supposed to be the whole family, but my dog has been very sick lately and my mom selflessly is staying home to care for him. Kind of a bummer all around... but I am still grateful for my time away! Hopefully I will be able to board both days and not be too consumed with homework. I tried to get enough done ahead of time... we shall see!

For my way of choosing love today I came up with this super rad idea of a way to make people smile. Basically, I am just putting up a bunch of little signs throughout campus for motivation and affirmation. I spent a chunk of the day making them, and will put them up sometime next week! So excited! The idea just came to me in the middle of class... so I hope that it is a good one and will make some people smile!

I also volunteered to read and edit a classmate's paper in my "free" time. We'll see how it goes! I need all the extra seconds I can get this weekend! Here's to hoping tomorrow is filled with happiness and with conviction that I can and will make a positive difference!

The Wednesday Update

I left the blog alone for a while because I wanted people to really be able to see the post about Paul Farmer first if they happened to click on my page. But a couple days is enough to leave it alone... so onwards I go!

On Monday, my beautiful friend and I went for a lovely walk on the beach in Santa Barbara. Along the way we picked up a lot of glass, bottles, and other trash. Cleaning up the beach as we went along both helped to insure no one else was harmed by accidentally stepping on something that shouldn't have been there, as well as made sure that the trash was not going into the ocean and polluting that area for the animals that lived there. It was a simple way to show love to people and the Earth in general!

These past few days (Tuesday and Wednesday) have been a little difficult for me in general. A lot has been going on in so many facets of like that sometimes my brain just wants to explode! Finding ways to choose love has been really calming amid the storm, but it also has been harder for me to find ways to choose love. There have been a few times were I looked back on the day and realized I had been loving people all along without trying... but I do still want to be intentional. It is hard sometimes to not get so caught up in my own world that I forget about what how I am to be reflecting the Kingdom. So I just have to be more intentional in that as the days go on!

I found this picture today and just thought how perfect for this situation! So I am leaving the blog with this today... and will update later.

Spotlight Sunday- Dr. Paul Farmer

I am a little late on writing this one because... drumroll please... I was MEETING THE PERSON THIS IS ABOUT! WOOOOOHOOOOO!

Sometime in life, the people that inspire us the most are not people that we see everyday; they might not even know our name. It's a lesson in the importance of always trying to choose love everyday because you never know whom you may touch with your kindness--even people that you may not even know!

My Spotlight Sunday this week is for Dr. Paul Farmer. I had to read one of his books, Pathologies of Power, for my Law class my freshman year at UCSB. At the time, I was just totally mesmerized by the book (proof that some GE's are totally worth it!). I remember that my good friend at the time that was taking the class with me didn't even really read the book. We were supposed to write a huge paper on it (mine was 26 pages!) so I'm not sure how he pulled that off... but I was kinda bummed at the time because I really was inspired by what I was reading and wanted to talk to someone else about it. Fast forward a few years... getting into the medical world by volunteering in the SICU (Surgical Intensive Care Unit) at Santa Barbara Cottage Hospital, taking all my nursing pre-reqs, doing EMT, and being on the human cadaver team... I finally found some people that I could talk to about it. Someone mentioned his name one time and I almost stopped in my tracks. You mean THE PAUL FARMER?! YOU READ ONE OF HIS BOOKS TOO?! Well as it turns out... anyone who really is inspired by and convicted to reach out to underserved (under served... not un deserved!!!) medicine has read at least one of his books. I gave my copy of PoP to my Medical Microbio professor because she just had to read it. (in my mind at least). It was so rad that I finally had people that I could geek out with. As time went on... I found more and more people that thought the way I did--the way that Dr. Farmer does: There are people all over the world, in rich countries and poor, in large cities and desolate areas, that are dying simply because they don't have the access to proper healthcare. I'm not talking the most expensive, radical, insane drug that is cutting edge technology. I am talking about people that die because of diarrhea. People that die because they were unable to get proper healthcare for a broken bone and got an infection. People that don't have access to medicine to treat tuberculosis and in turn are not only dying themselves, but infecting those around them. The sadness of it all is that some people get treatment and some will die all because we either won or lost some sort of birth lottery.

At his talk, Dr. Farmer (I keep wanting to just call him Paul...!) talked about how he was hit by a car in his early 20s. He said that he had multiple surgeries and physical therapy and was fine. And when he thought about how it would have been if the same thing had happened to some of the people he worked with in Haiti... the outcome would have been different. He said that it wasn't a question of if they might have died... it was highly improbable they would have lived.

Things such as that just absolutely break my heart. Dr. Farmer said himself that “The idea that some lives matter less is the root of all that is wrong with the world." And I have to agree. It is just absolutely heartbreaking that people can die in one place and be up and running around in the other just because of where they were born and what type of economically advantaged family they had the (mis)fortune of being dropped into. Heartbreaking. It's the only word for what happens to my soul when I think about it.

The beautiful thing about Dr. Farmer's stories and books is that he has been fighting for decades to help end the inequity of human rights in healthcare. He has done so many inspiring things and saved so many lives that I could write a few books myself on it all. He has been the hands and feet of change. He understands that price and cost are not the same thing and that every human being is worthy of being helped. He isn't flipping economies upside down or creating some socialist society. He's not coauthoring Obamacare or saying everything should be free. Armed with reason, intelligence, and compassion he has transformed cities, negotiated with drug companies, re-prioritized agendas, and has saved lives. I really challenge you to learn more about him and about Partners in Health.

He is a huge hero of mine and an absolute inspiration. Hearing him talk just really affirmed how important it is for me to finish nursing school so that one day I can really effect change by teaming up with people who are fighting for their right to medical access. One of the greatest things was afterwards, he signed books for hours. Literally until past midnight. It didn't matter that he just came to Santa Barbara from SIBERIA... he stayed until past midnight to meet and greet everyone that was there. The line was sort of long, sort of not... so why did it take so darn long? Because when you went up there, he wanted to know about you. He wanted to hear part of your story, your journey, what you aspired to do. He cared about each individual. We were never a sea of faces that he was talking down to in a crowd... we were people that meant something to him. The essence of his work proclaims this in medicine... that we are all important... but to see that in person just left me speechless. This famous person that cared enough about you to hear your story. Amazing.

Thank you Dr. Farmer for all you have done and continue to do. This Spotlight Sunday only begins to cover the impact you've had on my life. Cheers to you!

In So Few Words.

My heart is in a million places right now...

So instead of blogging tonight, I am going to just share with you some quotes that have inspired me this week.

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -George Elliot

“No one has ever become poor by giving.” 
― Anne Frank, diary of Anne Frank

 “A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal.” 

― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

"Don't let the inequities of life keep you from earnest, dedicated work. We serve GOD, not people!"

“Love is not patronizing and charity isn't about pity, it is about love. Charity and love are the same -- with charity you give love, so don't just give money but reach out your hand instead.” 
― Mother Teresa

Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value. –Albert Einstein

Faithful Friday

In choosing love today, I helped a super panicked mom through her C-section. I know it's kind of my job as a nurse... but she was like majorly wiggin out! I felt so bad for her because literally all she needed to know was that everything she was feeling as normal and that she was doing great. The baby was super adorable and I made sure to definitely snag a few candid photos on their family camera for them to discover later because mom and dad were so busy and nervous they forgot about their camera completely! I snagged some precious ones and told dad to capture the moment too (because he was talking about taking pictures for like 30 minutes straight before it all!). I told them I took a few-- they were so happy! I hope they enjoyed looking through their camera and seeing them once all the excitement died down a little bit!

I also helped to donate money to a family I didn't know. Someone came to our bible study one time and friended me on Facebook. I thought I would see a lot more of her, so I accepted her request. It turns out a different community group was closer to her house so she switched groups--but I love her uplifting posts so I haven't deleted her off my friends list. Anywho, one of her friends had a friend that just lost her husband in a tragic car accident. They are financially unable to pay for a funeral, so they started a GoFundMe site to help with just the bare minimum of the funeral costs. I don't know them; the girl I barely know doesn't even know them except through her cousin... but I knew it was the right thing to do. As someone who has been personally affected by people taken too soon through tragic car accidents, I sympathized heavily with their pain. I know I will never understand it completely because I am not in their exact shoes, but I couldn't help but be moved by their story. So I donated money to their family. When I last checked, they were about halfway to their goal. Even if they don't reach it, I am assured that each dollar will help ease the financial burden they are facing right now. They have enough sorrow to deal with, worrying about a proper burial should never be one of them.

If you feel called to donate, or even just read their story, please do so here: 

http://www.gofundme.com/821n8s

For Faithful Friday, I would like to thank the Lord for these things:

Financial Ability: I am always struggling to make ends meet, but I always do. The Lord has given me so much and has let me use my money towards blessing others. I am so thankful that He led me to save all of my tip money from Denny's and Outback to use during this time of paying my way through schooling. I am grateful that my family is providing the means to put a safe roof over my head. Thank you for my financial security at this time Jesus!

Friendship: I know I praised Cori last week in my Spotlight Sunday: but every day I am just so encouraged by her. I keep remembering all the little things she has done in my life to make an impact. She is an incredible friend and I am so thankful for her. I am also so thankful for so many of my other friends who have touched me with their kindness this past week!

School: I've made it through another week unscathed! And that is enough for praising right now! I am so thankful! I just have to keep taking it day by day!

Family: It was a delight to spend time with my family Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. They are the wind beneath my wings!

Prayer: My friend Kodee's sister with the baby that was in the NICU was able to come home!!! PRAISE! So amazing! Also a guy in my bible study has been feeling the attack of the enemy this past month or so and texted me this week saying he felt my prayers really working in his life. I am so grateful!

Real Life Church (Valencia): Over 11,000 people came to hear the testimony of Bethany Hamilton. I am so amazed at what God is doing! I hope people were inspired by her story to find and follow Jesus

Jesus in Valencia: There were many announcements for Easter in the paper in my parents' hometown. They recently added a section in the newspaper COMPLETELY DEDICATED TO GOD. I am amazed and stunned and overjoyed! There is also a Worship Jam with Building 429(!!!!) and other local worship bands coming up!!! God is really moving in this city! It's amazing!

Real Life (Campus Crusade for Christ-UCSB): I am overjoyed that my friend's friend that I spent Spring break touring around LA went to his first bible study and first Real Life meeting this week!!! It's amazing! I am so moved by how God works through Real Life and through the people on the Campus of UCSB

Kenneth Shin: He performed an amazing, sacrificial act of love for a stranger today. I don't want to be specific with the details, as it is his story to share if he so chooses, but I am so blessed by Kenneth and inspired by his generosity! 

Thank you Jesus for such answer to prayer this week!

A Simple Small Little Nothing

Today I wanted to focus on being intentional with loving people in an incredibly simple, yet powerful, way: by genuinely greeting them. I went to class and looked people in the eye and asked them how they were and really listened to their responses. I went to the bookstore to buy a birthday card to send out to a friend and made sure I was upbeat, positive, and really asked how the person was doing in a non-automatic way. I smiled at every street corner. When someone was backing out of a spot causing me to wait, I simply sat there smiling my heart out! The driver and the passenger both smiled and waved a little "thanks for waiting!" with authenticity right back at me! I went to a Goodwill to buy a few things, and made quick, but meaningful, conversation with the cashier and made sure to wish him an absolutely beautiful rest of his day. I grabbed something else from Michael's (the craft store) and when a worker asked me if I needed help and how my day was going, I was exuberant with joy and asked him back. He just kept restocking shelves and I paused, turned towards him (before I was only making eye contact directly by moving my head!), and awaited his response. It took him a second to realize what was going on and then said "Wait, you really want to know how my day is?" I told him that of course I did; he was an important person and I wanted to know how his day was going as well. We talked for about a minute or two (he had to get back to work!), but I really think I shocked him by actually being intentional and caring about his response. I hope that made a small difference in his life today! I was also intentional with the cashier.... and then I made my way home!

I think it should not be understated how important it is to just be intentional with others. Choosing love doesn't mean you have to spend all your money on others or be lavish or extravagant with your ideas; being happy and making people feel like they aren't just an automated response is absolutely important too. No small deed that can create happiness is ever insignificant!

I hope you will be encouraged to be intentional this weekend!!!

Study Bug

It's 9 am and I am just getting to write this blog because I had a test and well... all-nighters! WOOH! Actually I took an hour nap, so technically not an all-nighter, but pretty much. The test went alright I think which is always a huge blessing!

So today (technically yesterday) was a day full of studying-- but it was a great day too! I took an hour-hour and a half study break and went to the Norton Simon Museum, which is an art museum. There were a lot of sculptures and paintings that were just incredible. I am sure the names Picasso, Degas, Monet, Vuillard, van Gogh, Braque, Matisse, Bonnard, Rousseau, Diego Rivera, and Andy Warhol might ring a few bells. It was amazing. I am always so in awe of people that have the gift of art. I wanted to be a painter when I was a little kid... until I realized I was not that good... but the dream still holds a fond place in my heart. I think it is just amazing how these painting and sculptures that people have made decades and even, for some, hundreds of years ago still have such an impact on people today. Some of the artwork literally made me tear up. Could you imagine leaving a legacy of something that still evokes emotions and feelings in people hundreds of years later? What kind of legacy would you want to leave? Would you help them to cope, to laugh, to smile? Would you bring them through heartache or feel misery? Clearly I am trying, not only with this blog, to leave a legacy of love, but I can't help but feel awe for all of the emotions that these artists have left us with. I am so glad that so many of the artwork evokes feelings of beauty and hope. I think the most incredible pieces are those in which the artist was going through an extremely tough time and still managed to paint messages of hope. I feel like that is a lot of what I am trying to do myself-- show love even when I don't necessary want to. Show kindness when I am having a bad day myself. I think that is the most impactful message that there can be... because showing love is worth is no matter how you are feeling inside.

I chose to show love today by paying for audio sets for a family at the museum. They were only $3, but after paying for admission, the family couldn't afford to rent the headsets for the audio tour. It was clear that the whole family wished they were able to afford to rent the headsets, so I rented them for them! I just asked that they use their ID to "reserve" them so that they could keep using them after I left because I knew I would not be able to stay there for long. Hopefully they enjoyed them as much as I did! I hope that they were inspired by the artwork and that they felt the message of love that I was trying to send for them. I hope they remember this trip to the museum... because after seeing all those famous artists and pieces-- I know that I would!




With that-- I leave the post with this:
This picture was one of the most beautiful ones that I saw while I was there. It was painted by Vincent van Gogh. It had so much life and so much hope and beauty in the piece-- even though van Gogh was suffering himself. At the time he painted this, he had cut off his ear and entered the asylum at Saint-Rémy-de-Provence. Then he painted this magnificent piece. Less than eight months after his completion, he committed suicide. It was really tragic and sad to think about. But to see that he was able to paint something that, years later, could give me so much hope and inspiration... that was incredible to me. I am so glad that he did--it was one of my favorite pieces. I hope that I can leave a similar legacy--even amid any turmoil I might face, I'd like to be able to still inspire and give others hope.

 dannnnng. just look at all that paint! So thick! So amazing!

The April Fool

Today's good deed: I taped money to our school's vending machine for some hungry soul to find later today :) Hope that brightened someone's day!!!

And with that-- that's all she wrote for the blog today folks! I don't trust anyone on April Fool's so I won't write more because who really knows what the truth is!! A day of people lying to one another never really added up in my head anyways...!


So on this day, watch this video instead! This is the kind of prankster I want to be! And that woman is also someone I inspire to emulate. Cheers!

Love Alone is Worth the Fight

Life's just tough sometimes, isn't it? Sometimes you feel like you can do no wrong, and other times you feel like you can do no right. It's a crazy world we live in full of ups and downs and all arounds. Today I chose love by running to the Christian bookstore to pick up a birthday card for a girl in my community group (bible study) and a birthday gift to give to my best friend for when I am able to go and see her. It wasn't the most difficult thing to do in the world... but parting with money when you are a broke college kid that skips lunch 3+ days a week... it's a little rough! So I guess I chose love by sacrificing a bit for them because they are wonderful and deserve to be celebrated.

So what's up with the life is tough speech? Well it was the rest of the day. After buying the stuff, I was supposed to run into the grocery store and pick some things up for my mom. She was in the car with me and was yelling at me as I was walking away. I yelled WHAT? back and she yelled back and I still didn't hear her so I got so frustrated that when I finally walked all the way back to the car I blew up on her. And to be honest I was just in a grumpy mood all day... maybe even all weekend... being super snappy. So how is it that I can choose love one moment and being a snapping turtle the next? Well, it's just a process. I can't be transformed overnight. And I believe that to be true, but also can't help but feel it is a bit of a cop-out at times. The reality is that it is hard to choose love all the time. And sometimes I am just exhausted and don't want to anymore! But it doesn't mean it's okay to lash out at others or affect their happiness. I am supposed to show love always. So while I must extend myself grace, I also realize I have a lot of work to do! It's like one of my favorite songs says "Lord, I need you, oh, I need you! Every hour I need you". So I must try even harder to rely on Him every hour so I can continue to show love even when I am exhausted!

So what's got me so exhausted? Oh a million things naturally! I am a woman with a lot on her mind! Of course the insanity and stress of school is always there. Because of the ridiculous time commitment of the program, I feel strained from being able to do a lot of work that I feel is extremely important and meaningful. It feels like I am wasting my life at times because there are so many things I feel like I should be doing, ways I should be helping, that I cannot commit myself to right now because I have no time. It's grating. I am trying to look toward the light at the end of the tunnel. It reminds me of this story I heard once... and I am forgetting like 90% of it... but basically it has to do with being at the end of a long journey (like a marathon for example) and being literally a few feet away from the finish line. But there is a wall blocking the view of the end. The end is literally a few feet away, one just has to walk around the wall... but the person cannot see the finish line and gives up right before the end. It's hard when I feel like I can't see the finish line, but I know that God put me in the race and I have to remind myself that it is only a little bit further. And it will be sweet victory when I am finally there!

There are many other things on my mind as well, but I don't feel called to share it. However, I do feel called to share this last one: One of my good friends from Syracuse passed away a while ago and it was his birthday today. That is always a tough thing to get through! He was the epitome of choosing love everyday though. It there was ever a person to celebrate-- it is him. So in my sadness today, I was brightened by the thought of how his life has had a rippling effect on the lives of those all around him because of his incredible love. It's sad and inspiring all at the same time. I miss and love you Matt Murphy! I hope that I am able to make you proud and that at the end of my time on Earth, people feel a rippling effect of love from me because you've laid out of heck of an example! <3

Spotlight Sunday- Cori Stritzel

Today was lovely. I feel asleep at 8:30 last night... so no blog... but man did sleep ever feel fantastic! Today I studied/read for about 11 hours... but I was able to go in the spa and play a family game with the greatest humans I know... so it was a success! :)

For my Spotlight Sunday... I chose someone that it was only a matter of time until they showed up. I am actually surprised that it's been a whole month before I featured them because they are just the most amazing influence in my life (besides Jesus and my parents, of course!). Well I couldn't hold out any longer... and so here I am writing about my dearest, best friend-- Corinne Stritzel!

Just like I mentioned with Ian, I could write books about why Cori is one of the greatest human being on the face of the planet. I swear, libraries could be dedicated to this girl. However, I am going to attempt to keep it short and sweet because I honestly could never stop writing. Of the things about my dearest friend that stand out to me, one of the biggest qualities I admire would have to be her devotion to the Lord, which I think births her second greatest quality: her humility. Cori is the most devoted person I know to Jesus and to really following His Way with her actions as much as she is devoted with her words. She volunteers her time to anyone in need and always points people back to Jesus. I love talking her about all of my struggles or problems because you better believe this little missy is going to hit me with 39 bible verses to walk me through it and a 10 minute speech about how God views the problem. It's really so uplifting and lightening for my soul to have a friend that is so on the same page as I am. When I talk about what I believe marriage should be like, she echos my thoughts on being a biblical wife. When I talk about how to serve others in the nursing profession, she gives me fun, new perspectives on her end. She is always challenging and growing me in faith and as a person. She is a true friend because she points me to Christ and she is someone I can truly be myself with. I don't fear any judgment, even for the nasty parts of life that we keep in the shadows sometimes, because she doesn't judge me and she just helps me to follow God's path. She is amazing.

Like I said, Cori's humility is second-to-none. She always thinks she can grow, change, be better. Sometimes it is hard to give her a compliment because she'll throw three more right back at you... but she really does have a servant's heart. She'd also give people the shirt off of her back for anyone who needed it. She volunteers the small amount of free time she has (because she's in nursing school too!), she spends time in prayer for people constantly, she is always trying to bless others, and she opens her life and her things willingly to others. I texted her tonight asking if I could crash at her house next weekend... even though it's last minute and she has school the next day... and she told me OF COURSE within like 20 seconds, with a compliment about how I'm amazing. LIKE REALLY?! How do people like this exist in the world? I have no idea. But I am so grateful that she does and that she calls me her friend. She is the most selfless and loving person I know (barring my mommy) and just absolutely an utter joy to be around always. I have never had a friend that loves people the way she does, especially without any recognition. On a 20 minute phone conversation, it would bring her joy to spend 19 minutes talking about the other person and 1 minute about herself. It's insane. Ugh. I could talk forever about the gift she is to me and to the world. I hope I have many more years with her by my side because I cannot even begin to think of anyone else that I would want to act like; and they say that you end up acting like who you surround yourself with! So here's to you Miss Corinne Stritzel. I love you and I am so beyond amazed by your grace, love, and devotion to the Lord. Thank you for always bringing Heaven to Earth. You blow my mind.

Faithful Friday!

Yay! So excited to do Faithful Friday! Today was an AMAZING day because clinical got cancelled! YESSSSSSS! Now don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE nursing... but it's every nursing kid's dream to have some sort of class cancelled just so they can finally get to sleep for once. My clinical instructor for OB (Labor and Delivery) is a Midwife. So today she was in the middle of a delivery and couldn't make it in time to the hospital. I got the text at 5:15 that clinical was cancelled from a classmate, hopped on the computer, read through every e-mail I could find, got confirmation from the other 10 students, then went back to bed. I slept until about 11:30 and it felt like absolute magic. I can't remember a time where sleeping ever felt so amazing. So I am absolutely so incredibly thankful for that! In nursing it is a bit of a double-edged sword because we have to make up the clinical hours. This means that we will probably have a day in the skills lab tacked on somewhere along the line on a day where I probably want to/should be studying instead... but for now, I am one happy cookie.

Other lovely things about the day: I was able to talk on the phone to my best friend in the entire world for AN HOUR AND A HALF. Magical stuff like this just doesn't get to happen to nursing students. It was AMAZING. She also gave me the e-mail to someone that I might be able to contact to ask more about ER jobs in SB! YES!!!! AMAZING! So excited for that! So blessed for Cori too. She's just so amazing!

A third lovely thing about the day: I was able to Skype my other friend for a long time. It was just the day of catching up! I just feel so happy and so re-energized! Not being able to have any breaks pretty much wears on you in this program, so being able to get the entire day off today really was amazing. Being able to talk to my friends helps me to stay focused so I can keep trucking along. It was fantastic to be able to talk to him... it always is! Thanks Jesus! (I was also to get a lot of reading and a paper done too. Wooh!)

Other things this week that deserve praise:
-As I mentioned in my previous post, my OB professor decided to grade our tests differently so we didn't all fail. YES! I need to keep working hard because she won't be so kind in the future... but I am SO grateful that we were given mercy this time around. Thank you Jesus! That helps to relieve so much stress!
- I got to hang out with my family on Tuesday night! YES! Always the most incredible time. Now that Brian is home, it's like Heaven on Earth when I get to go home. Although I didn't win at Yahtzee this time... my mom is always the winner... it was a fantastic time. I am going home tomorrow too because I had to switch cars so my parents could get mine fixed. Oh darn... I have to go back again... total bummer.....  ;)
- One of the girls in my class reached out to me to help study for OB! I am so grateful for her! I hope it helps!!!
- I had a fantastic time gallivanting across LA with Hunter. Like a mini-break almost! While I had to pay for it with sleepless nights and a crap-ton of catch up work... it was SO wonderful and I am so glad I was able to have some fun!
- We had a conference on Thursday instead of one of my classes. I was so pumped!
- Thursday's third class was also cancelled so I was able to start and finish that group project. One less thing to worry about! It seems like somehow this ended up being like a mini-Spring Break, even though it wasn't supposed to be (and I still had some class lol)
- My dear friend Kodee's sister had a baby; the baby has been sick and in the ICU since her birth. Well the baby has been positively progressing more and more each day! God is truly healing her! It has been a hard battle, but Kodee, Tiffany (her sister), and the sweet little angel of a baby Brooklyn, have all been fighting and praying hard. God is answering our prayers!


Wonderful week! Can't wait to go home tomorrow after clinicals :)

And an ending verse that has been on my heart all week:
If you search for good, you will find favor; but if you search for evil, it will find you!- Proverbs 11:27

Time for Water

I thought I would write this blog tonight a bit earlier than I usually do because I thought that I should try and get to sleep early and knew that if I relaxed at all before writing it... sleepiness would overcome me and I might not get to it! So here it goes!

Today was pretty uneventful as a whole... so instead of a daily recap with a dose of day love... I'm just going to skip straight to the loving part! Today I was able to give the card I wrote to the girl in my class that had a hip biopsy. It was really great to see her smile and I really feel like she felt cared for! No telling what her results will bring, but I hope that in that moment she felt comforted and not so alone! Hopefully just the small act of writing her a card will help her to feel loved and hopefully that will help to inspire her to share her love with others even more-- she really is a lovely person! (Same girl that I helped with her Bioethics Midterm!)

I also helped to choose love today with a group project. After a lot of craziness--about a week ago I was able to get into different groups for all of our projects. (YAY!) For one of my group projects, my group decided to stay after class and just get it all done today. One of the girl's decided she couldn't make it because she has a baby sick at home. I chose love my offering to help do her part for her so she wouldn't have to worry about it later. She is definitely the kind of person who is hardworking and would not just flake on a project. I am lucky, for this program, that I don't have kids. It is hard enough not being able to see my friends and family-- I couldn't really imagine doing this and missing out on spending time with my children. I thought it was only right to give her a break and let her just focus on being with her baby. I was also able to finish two letters today! Can't wait to buy some envelopes so I can start mailing them out to my friends :)  Lastly, Unicef is doing this thing apparently where if you log on to uniceftapproject.org from your phone... you can help raise money for people who do not have access to drinking water. Donating a few dollars is totally amazing and really goes far for this organization! But if you can't donate, or even on top of donation, if you log on to that site through your iPhone (or other smartphone I'm sure...) every minute you stay away from your phone counts towards a donation from others. Basically it tracks if you are using your phone... and the more minutes you are able to abstain... the more money gets donated! Awesome! So I have stayed off my phone for the past hour and 42 minutes and counting. I'm sadly forgoing my nightly call home so I can wrack up as many minutes as I can before hitting the hay! (Also, I am donating some of my own money)


Hope that you feel inspired today to do what you can to help others and to choose love everyday in your life :)

The View from Up Here

Man. I am so thankful for my family. I could write a thousand books about that subject. I spend the morning with my mom, the afternoon studying, and the night with my new friend from Sunday. And this is how it went: Morning: my mom is the BESTTTTTTTT. I love my mom. Mom, mom, mom. My mom is great. MOMMMMMM. Afternoon: ugh. studying. I wish I was still at home... with my mom. and my dad. I'm going to call my dad. I miss my dad. MOMMMM. Nighttime: Let me talk about how cool my family is for twenty minutes.

So yeah. That's how my life is going right about now. And if you know me, you know that's pretty accurate of how my life usually is.... but even moreso today. Being in a program as intense as the one I am in just makes every day really stressful. It seems like sometimes it just isn't worth going on... but my family is always there for me to pump me up and cool me down. They are amazing. This morning it was just so easy for me to see why I was so inspired to live a life of choosing love; it's what I've grown up around my whole life. My dad is just incredible... but I'm just gonna talk a bit about Mama K for a sec. This woman would give me her last kidney without thinking twice if I needed it. She loves to make me breakfast every single time I come home and it's always just so loving and so thoughtful. It's either a sneak-attack, wake-up with french toast... or a let me know when I can get breakfast started for you!... kinda thing. She is amazing. She made me breakfast this morning and what comes with it? A CARD. A beautiful lovely card. She was going to send it to me because SHE READ THAT I LIKED GETTING LETTERS. Can I just cry right now? Amazing. Then inside the card was a letter from her and a gift--one that was so unnecessary and kind and just unexpected. My mom, ladies and gents! Then she was off on her way to go meet a friend for lunch to catch up and encourage her. She had three books and spent time really looking over each one to see what one would be the best to surprise her friend with. Come. On. Really? Really. This is my everyday life with this woman. It's absolutely no wonder that I am inspired to try and love people. That's what my mom does every single second of every single day. She's beautiful.

I chose love today by sending a get-well card to a friend, praying for people, checking in with friends, and meeting my new friend for dinner and paying for parking. It was a really great day. Also, I went to school to study with classmates, but no one else showed up. So, I just chose to show grace and send them my notes anyways.

Hanging out with my friend we went to the Griffith Observatory. After spending time swapping stories about our childhoods and how we were shaped by our families, I couldn't help but look out at all those twinkling lights of the city and feel sorry for so many of those people below me. I am just so incredibly lucky that I have grown up with such incredible role models-- people that make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world every.single.day. I am so fortunate; I hit the birth lottery. Reflecting on how much I have been given while looking out at the world was incredible. I hope that I can help spread the love to all of those people under the twinkling lights below me. Hopefully one day many more people will be able to look out from the view and think, look at that city of love.

Back From Hiatus

Well you know how sometimes the best laid intentions just don't work out... well that's what's happened this past few days! I kept trying to get on to blog and a million things happened... including getting locked out of my own computer for over 10 hours from some weird app-gone-wrong. A few times I was "able" to blog, but since it was past midnight and I already was running on like -3 hours of sleep, I decided that the world would just have to be able to handle it that I couldn't write that night. But now I'm back! And excited to be able to continue with the blog! I thought about writing a blog for each day I missed, because while I wasn't able to type it on the computer... the idea of the blog is always on my mind and I reflected plenty about what experiences I would share each day. But after how long it took to catch up after my Santa Barbara weekend, I decided it was best to just do one blog that is a recap of the past few days instead. So here it goes!


Saturday! Saturday was a trying, trying day. I had to follow a nurse that was nothing more than miserable. I really can't remember a time where someone treated me like I was so invisible, insignificant, or burdensome. She was a piece of work. And then apparently ended up complaining about my instructor, myself, and another student for "not caring and being lazy". Yah... okay lady. So my challenge of choosing love on Saturday was essentially to not blow up on her or to defend myself. I just let her have her moment of being a jerk. I know that I am a great nurse. I know I try my best to learn everything I can. I know she was a total rude and bitter jerk to me that day. I just tried to extend grace her way and realize that I don't know her or her life or what is going on in her mind or heart that was making her act like that. So that was a tough experience--but I tried my best!!

Sunday! I was going to do my Spotlight Sunday... but the person I was writing it on deserved way more than a rushed blog post... so I'm waiting for this Sunday to give them a real shout-out! I spend all of Sunday running around with a friend of one of my good friends. The kid is from Texas, doesn't know anyone in LA besides his family, and asked if I wouldn't mind showing him around while he is down here for Spring Break. While I had a lot to do... because: nursing school... I knew the right thing to do would be to make him feel welcome. So we went all around... The Queen Mary, Aquarium of the Pacific, Hollywood Walk of Fame, Madame Tussauds of Hollywood, and to dinner. I knew that he also didn't have a lot of money... so I paid for quite a bit of his share of things. I think that he really enjoyed hanging out. And it's always nice to be able to invest in other people! It showed me the long grasp that God can have on our lives. I really didn't even know this kid... but because of Jesus I knew my friend and my friend knew him! So hopefully he will go back to school from Spring Break feeling loved and cared for :)

Monday! I'm going to be missing a clinical day towards the end of this quarter, so I had to make it up on Monday. I was really excited because my instructor works at Children's Hospital Los Angeles and so my make-up day was there! I had a fantastic nurse and really was able to do and learn a lot! I am so incredibly grateful for my instructor. She is so lovely. I chose love on Monday by texting someone I didn't really want to text to earnestly wish them luck on their job interviews this week. It was hard because I have a rocky past with this person and it ended with me being the one who was hurt... however, I knew it was the right thing to do. It was important that this person knew that someone was rooting for their success. Definitely tough, but totally worth it.

Tuesday! We got our grades back for our OB test and not one person passed. Oh boy. Good news is that this means she threw out all the Select All That Apply questions and we all did much better. But she had us "learn how to do those types of questions" in class and made it clear that we are all in for a rude awakening on the next test. Yikes! I am grateful that we didn't all suffer this time though! I was able to get started on writing some of those letters to my penpals. None of them are done yet, but a lot are started! I chose love today by learning that a girl in my class was going through a procedure Wednesday and went and got her a card after class. Then I went to my parents' house and was able to spend the night with them and my brother! That was all wonderful, of course!!!


I will write about Wednesday (today) later tonight! Glad to be back in the swing of writing everything down again!

Faithful Friday

Today's the day! And I have so much to be lifting God up in prayer for!

Many, many, mannnnny of my friends had finals this week (and some for the last time ever :o ) and two lovely ladies of mine had midterms. I prayed and prayed and prayed over them! Three people that I specifically prayed for all told me that they thought their test went really well! YES! I love that I have friends that do not rely on Jesus to get them a good grade without putting in any effort. I love that they work so hard and have confidence that He will see them through, and also realize that if they are not able to show all their hard work in grade form... they believe God will use that setback for good. I am so proud of their hard work and of their faith!

Prayer Calendar and PenPals galore!: I am so excited! 10 people have asked to be on my prayer calendar! I am so excited to be intentional in prayer for specific people based on their needs and what they feel is heavy on their hearts. I also have 12 new penpals! I am SO BEYOND EXCITED for this. I am so excited to send letters of love and encouragement to my friends. I am grateful that they are willing to accept this form of "hanging out" while I am in nursing school. I am so blessed!!!

Community Group: I just love the people in my community group! I am always so encouraged by them! Being able to share dinner before going to the conference together was fantastic. I am so happy that while I do not get to have "normal" community with friends because of nursing school, I am still surrounded by caring and loving people because of Jesus Christ!

My Brother: for many reasons! Thank you Jesus for him and all you have been doing in his life lately. I am SO happy that I get to talk to him on the phone a few times a week. It feels like Christmas everyday!

School: While the tests were very rocky and terrible... I received a letter that I was accepted to the Nursing Honors Society! Hopefully I will be able to whip my grades into shape the next 5 weeks and stay in it! So encouraging!!!!

Clinicals: I talked about how much I loved my Peds instructor whom is also my clinical instructor. Thanks for her!! But I also really appreciate my OB clinical instructor! She was so helpful and encouraging this week and really made me feel respected and valuable. Thank you so much for her!!!

Friendship: I am so encouraged by my friends all the time. This week especially all the random texts and funny things shared between my friends and I made this week so much greater. I have struggled in this area in different seasons in my life and I am so beyond grateful that I have some truly wonderful friends that care so much about me even when I live far away!

My Dad: That guy is hilarious. And always knows the right thing to say! After my disappointing tests, I talked to him about how upset I was. He didn't lecture me or patronize me. He didn't make some sweeping claim about how I will "go get 'em next time". Instead he really listened to me and comforted me. He reminded me how much of a hard worker I am and that sometimes in life our grades don't seem to reflect our effort. He told me that he knows that I can turn my grades around by just continuing to work as hard as I do and by not giving up on myself. He put it much more gracefully and just honestly and not preachy or cheerleader status. I am so grateful for my father!

Mommy: She is amazing. She cares about every aspect of my life and is always there for me. I am so blessed by her. Always. Thank you so much Jesus for her. I look forward to our daily (and... let's be real... multiple-times daily sometimes) conversations. She's my rock!!

Praying the Day Away

So today started with two tests that went horribly wrong... so I decided to spend the rest of the day choosing love! As soon as I got home I wrote a few thank you notes to people... started scribbling parts of letters to mail off to my new pen pals (see previous post!)... and worked in a little bit of tidying up. I spent a long time in prayer, praying for the people on my prayer calendar for today (see previous post!!) and for all of my friends that had finals (and midterms!) today! I really just wanted to combat a rough beginning with as much love and hope as I could muster up!! I really feel as though I succeeded in doing that--and even had time to sneak in some homework! It always calms my heart to know that love always wins in the end and that Jesus is only one prayer away. Thank you all for trusting me with your prayers and for encouraging me to continue to choose love--even when things aren't smooth. For if we only choose love or praise God when things are good... what kind of faith is that anyway? (Matthew 5:46) Thank you all for enabling me to take this journey and to fill my soul with positive energy!

My Eyes Are Closed As I Type This

Oh man, oh man am I ever exhausted. I would love to get to sleep! I have two big tests tomorrow that I am about 4% prepared for... but I am exhausted! Too many nightmares! Well... I guess this program is making me an old lady because this time around instead of pulling another all nighter-- I'm just going to go to bed and hope for the best. I guess there comes a time where we just have to waive the white flag right? The thing that is frustrating about this program is that anything under a 75%... Yes this literally includes 74.9% is considered failing. Am I sure I could pass the test if passing was set at the normal college percentage? Oh yes. But it isn't and so I am nervous! We'll see how it goes!

All this rambling has a sort of point to it. I was at the library at school studying earlier today. Let's be real here-- no one really studies at our library... and those that do rarely stay more than a couple hours. But there was one girl that was there that was just pounding away on the books for all six hours I was there. I was proud of her! No idea who she was--but she was dedicated! She asked a girl to watch her things while she used the restroom-- so I wrote her a note of encouragement about how I admired her dedication and that she has everything it takes to be successful. I wished her luck and told her to believe in herself. It was about two pages long because I could only scribble so fast. Luckily for me the bathroom is kind of a walking distance away! I scribbed the note, dropped it on her desk, then picked up my textbooks and dodged out of there. I don't know who she is, but I was encouraged by her and her hard work. Good luck to you random library girl!

The Cost of Postage

Today I woke up at about 4:30 after a horrible night terror about my mom. Ugh! Those are the WORST. For anyone reading this not familiar with this part of my life-- I've had night terrors and nightmares a couple times a night for years and years. But some are worse than others--like when they concern my family! They are so real that it always takes a couple minutes for me to figure it all out when I wake up. It usually kind of throws off my day if they are really bad because no matter what, it still seems real and lingers a bit!

So after waking up with that dream... I was just in a sad mood! I wanted to call my mom, but it wasn't worth it to wake her up. She has night terrors too! So sleep is highly valuable in our household when you're actually getting it. I waited, went to school, and then at our 15 minute break around 9, I was able to call my momma. I instantly felt so much better hearing her voice! Phew! It gave me energy for the rest of the day!

Today I decided to start loving others by doing two things A) Writing letters B) Starting a Prayer Calendar      If either of those interest you, hit me up! I thought about what I could do to help people smile and I thought about how much I LOVE to get letters in the mail. Even if they are full of silliness, the fact that someone spent the time writing a letter to me fills me up with joy. I also love to see something in my mailbox other than bills and junk-mail ;)  I'm sure others feel the same way too and I wanted to bless them with that! So I asked for people to give me their addresses if they wanted letters! I hope that this is a way I can continuously show people how much they mean to me! It is easy to do because I can write little bits at a time... time that is too short to get any schoolwork done... and then it will just add on up to a full letter to someone I care about!

I also started a prayer calendar. I wrote people's names and prayer requests on different days on my calendar and will spend time each day praying for that person: for what they felt they need prayer for, and for any unspoken prayers requests they have. Then I will be ending the day by lifting them up for blessings! A couple people actually messaged me about getting in on the calendar... so I am so excited to see how this will bless others!

Cheers to Prayer Calendars and Postage Stamps!

The Power of Love

Edit: I am posting this now because apparently I hit save draft instead of publish post last night—whoops!

Today was an interesting day to say the least. I had a lot of work to do for nursing school which I was totally not able to even get halfway done… and then I had a conference to go to for church. I was thinking throughout the day a million different thoughts about life and my abilities and shortcomings and it was a pretty all-over-the-place kinda day for me emotionally. Three of my classes require that we work in groups for different group projects. There are about 41-42 people in my class, depending on which it is, so we are supposed to be in groups of 6-7. Well pretty much everyone got into groups already and totally discluded myself and another student. Since there are only two of us, we can’t start our own group. We asked the class about 3 times if anyone would please let us join their group… to no avail. Not even a single response back. This left me feeling just really terrible about myself. I feel like that would be pretty normal for anyone in my situation. 39 people and no one volunteers to let you in their group? They clearly have room for us both or else the numbers wouldn’t work out—but I guess that’s just how people are sometimes… especially when they are as clique-y as they are in my program. So after this development, I was having a kind of sad day. I was wondering if all of my intentional acts of caring or if any of the sacrifices of time, money, or otherwise that I have made for people (including people in this program) really even mattered at all. Then, I went to my conference.

It was on The Power of Image—a look at photography and its messages from a Christian perspective. We had some super famous photographer give us a speech and it was all well and good—but then he said something that really stuck to my heart. He was talking about how he organized this event with prostitutes and strippers where a make-up/hair team would give them a nice make-over, he would shoot their pictures, and then some photoshoppers would work on them to make them look like the quality seen in magazines. Then they would print and frame the pictures and give it to them. The idea behind it was to let them see who they were behind their career choice… it kind of would take a while to explain… but anyways basically he spent hours doing this event and the women photographed didn’t really seem to have a response. He went home later that night and talked to his wife about how he didn’t think that they really reached anyone and how it didn’t seem like anyone really cared about the experience. He was dejected.
Then over the next week weeks, he started to get calls from different people who knew the girls. Apparently some of them hung their pictures on their lockers at work to remind them of the women that they once were and could be again. One woman cancelled all her sex-appointments that day and went to the movies with her sister, which she hadn’t done in a long time, and said that for the first time she actually felt normal and human. Another took the picture home and showed it to her child and said that the way that the child looked at her made her decide to end her 20-year life of prostitution that night. Wow! Praise!

What I learned from that talk was that we all have moments of doubt about whether or not we are really making a difference. Circumstances come up that shake our foundations and make us question whether what we are sacrificing to achieve is even worth it. The thing is—we rarely ever know the true impact that our actions have on other people. If the photographer never received the call from the outreacher worker, he could have gone through his whole life never knowing what a difference he—and his team—made in the lives of those women. I just found that to be really inspiring amid my crummy day of self-reflection. I left the conference feeling renewed with my mission and everything I was doing.

When I got home, I logged onto Facebook to see if anyone had posted in my nursing group that I could join their group. Unfortunately, no one did. But what did happen made me smile even brighter. I logged on and saw a notification—Chuck McKeever has tagged you in a comment. I clicked on it and his status read “I have received massive amounts of karma lately, from strangers, co-workers, and friends alike. In an effort to repay my massive debt to the universe, the first three people to comment/message me can name a book from their reading list and I'll mail them a copy. Provided it's not a first edition Shakespeare folio or something, it will be yours free of charge. Doesn't matter if we haven't spoken since high school, met once in college, or I've known you my whole life. Get at me.” Then underneath that “ Ps Brittany Klocko your birthday thing was part of the idea behind this, so feel free to name one too!”

Success.

That’s all I needed. In that moment I realized—what I am working so hard to achieve… it’s working. If only one person’s life is better because of what I am doing, then doesn’t that make it more than worth it? I would have to say that it does.

Success.