Life's just tough sometimes, isn't it? Sometimes you feel like you can do no wrong, and other times you feel like you can do no right. It's a crazy world we live in full of ups and downs and all arounds. Today I chose love by running to the Christian bookstore to pick up a birthday card for a girl in my community group (bible study) and a birthday gift to give to my best friend for when I am able to go and see her. It wasn't the most difficult thing to do in the world... but parting with money when you are a broke college kid that skips lunch 3+ days a week... it's a little rough! So I guess I chose love by sacrificing a bit for them because they are wonderful and deserve to be celebrated.
So what's up with the life is tough speech? Well it was the rest of the day. After buying the stuff, I was supposed to run into the grocery store and pick some things up for my mom. She was in the car with me and was yelling at me as I was walking away. I yelled WHAT? back and she yelled back and I still didn't hear her so I got so frustrated that when I finally walked all the way back to the car I blew up on her. And to be honest I was just in a grumpy mood all day... maybe even all weekend... being super snappy. So how is it that I can choose love one moment and being a snapping turtle the next? Well, it's just a process. I can't be transformed overnight. And I believe that to be true, but also can't help but feel it is a bit of a cop-out at times. The reality is that it is hard to choose love all the time. And sometimes I am just exhausted and don't want to anymore! But it doesn't mean it's okay to lash out at others or affect their happiness. I am supposed to show love always. So while I must extend myself grace, I also realize I have a lot of work to do! It's like one of my favorite songs says "Lord, I need you, oh, I need you! Every hour I need you". So I must try even harder to rely on Him every hour so I can continue to show love even when I am exhausted!
So what's got me so exhausted? Oh a million things naturally! I am a woman with a lot on her mind! Of course the insanity and stress of school is always there. Because of the ridiculous time commitment of the program, I feel strained from being able to do a lot of work that I feel is extremely important and meaningful. It feels like I am wasting my life at times because there are so many things I feel like I should be doing, ways I should be helping, that I cannot commit myself to right now because I have no time. It's grating. I am trying to look toward the light at the end of the tunnel. It reminds me of this story I heard once... and I am forgetting like 90% of it... but basically it has to do with being at the end of a long journey (like a marathon for example) and being literally a few feet away from the finish line. But there is a wall blocking the view of the end. The end is literally a few feet away, one just has to walk around the wall... but the person cannot see the finish line and gives up right before the end. It's hard when I feel like I can't see the finish line, but I know that God put me in the race and I have to remind myself that it is only a little bit further. And it will be sweet victory when I am finally there!
There are many other things on my mind as well, but I don't feel called to share it. However, I do feel called to share this last one: One of my good friends from Syracuse passed away a while ago and it was his birthday today. That is always a tough thing to get through! He was the epitome of choosing love everyday though. It there was ever a person to celebrate-- it is him. So in my sadness today, I was brightened by the thought of how his life has had a rippling effect on the lives of those all around him because of his incredible love. It's sad and inspiring all at the same time. I miss and love you Matt Murphy! I hope that I am able to make you proud and that at the end of my time on Earth, people feel a rippling effect of love from me because you've laid out of heck of an example! <3
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